“It was just a harmless talk with an officemate, what seems to be the big deal?”
“I was just concern about her situation, I was just giving her moral and emotional support?”
Nobody gets married with the intent to be unfaithful. Nobody planned to have a broken family. Nobody wants to cheat the love of their life.
But how come some people ended up becoming unfaithful; cheated, and in the end have a broken family. Based on my counselling and coaching experience; having an affair is not planned, and does not happen overnight. It is packaged and presented as an innocent behaviour, which usually ends badly.
This is just like the boiled frog principle. They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water
it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with cool and pleasant water; then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling; the frog will not be aware of the threat until it is too late.
The frog’s survival instinct is geared towards detecting sudden changes. Source: https://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/boiled.html
In other words, you cannot touch fire without being burned. If unaware; you might fall into a deep well that you cannot get out of. If you want your marriage to be happy and intact, I would suggest that you need to be aware of the.
THINGS YOU SHOULD AVOID DOING, WHEN IN A RELATIONSHIP
NEVER BE WITH AN OPPOSITE SEX ALONE
“Chinkee, what if I need to bring someone home?”
If you need to drive someone home, make sure you ask them to sit at the back of the vehicle, not in front. It is not wise for you to sit with someone of the opposite sex; especially if you are married. It does not look good, and at the same time it does not speak well of the situation. People might read it differently.
“Chinkee, what is wrong if I eat out with an office mate?”
Eating out alone with an opposite sex or even having a chat online is not also healthy. Would it be OK with you if your spouse is investing time with an opposite sex? How would you feel? You may feel it is harmless at the start; remember every drug addict never started as an addict, but started experimenting and trying. It seemed harmless at first; until such time they like the feeling and before they know it, they have developed an addiction. Emotional affairs and unfaithfulness often start from friendly chats and conversations; showing concerns, and appreciation towards each other. He or she understands what each are going through, unlike their spouse who do not appreciate or care how they feel.
It will be too late to realize that they have invested so much time, and emotion; they are already drawn towards each other.
I know my personal weakness and limitations; it will not be wise for me to enter the lion’s den, even if I didn’t know the lion is present or not.
NEVER GIVE COUNSEL PRIVATELY TO AN OPPOSITE SEX
As a wealth and life coach; this is the first rule that we had learned. It is not wise for you to be alone with an opposite gender especially when one is expressing their personal problems and concerns. When things turn emotional; they may need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, then one thing leads to another.
This rule does not only apply to life coaches, but also to anyone who gives counsel with an opposite gender.
Your intentions maybe good, but it may backfire if we do not apply wisdom. I would recommend that you seek counsel from a close friend, relative, professional counsellor or a spiritual adviser. It is better to be safe than sorry.
NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE AGAINST YOUR SPOUSE
Do you want people to talk behind you? I’m sure we do not want others to talk about us; without our knowledge. How much more if the one your trust most talks about you? Please don’t talk or complain about your spouse with your friends, and office mates publicly. If you have something against your spouse, it is best that you bring it up to him or her personally. If your spouse refuse to listen; then, that is the only time you are allowed to speak to a close friend, relative, professional counsellor or spiritual adviser.
I truly appreciate my wife of 15 years. She has been truly honest with me at all times. She has the gift of correcting me in an encouraging way. Every time she confronts me, she sees to it that I will go out of the room encouraged.
Talking behind your spouse is a form of betrayal. Once trust is broken, it is so hard for you to restore it . Do your very best to make sure that your communication line is constantly open. Always be honest with your feelings.
In line with this,
NEVER CORRECT OR HUMILIATE YOUR SPOUSE IN FRONT OF OTHERS
We need to treat our spouse with honour and respect. If you want to be honoured and respected, you should make sure that you also treat others the same way.
Being humiliated by others can be a painful experience. What if it comes from the person you loved the most? You expect your spouse to love, honour, protect, and respect you? If there is something wrong, you must take this with your spouse privately.
Attention wives: the quickest way to emasculate your husband is to correct and humiliate your husband in public.
Instead of saying negative things; you need to talk about something that is good about your spouse, and brag about it.
“I am so blessed to have a ___________ spouse; you will never find a person that is more ____________ than him.”
My rule in life is: If I do not have anything good say about anyone, I just keep quiet.
-Chinkee Tan, Filipino Motivational Speaker
To be continued ….
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